Both

So I suppose several things about myself I knew before coming here, but some have become particularly highlighted since November.   I’ve become acutely aware, for example, that I am seemingly a person of extremes. If I like something, I’m obsessed with it, i.e. orange juice or naps; if I don’t like something, I can’t stand it, like a loosely made bed or Jack in the Box commercials.  I’m a hot or cold person, an all in or all out, a thumbs up or thumbs down.  I’ve been aware of this and the positive and negative effects on my daily life, but I think I’m finding how deeply this trait runs within me.   And how it’s proving problematic here.

You see life here seems to be one of dichotomies. 

The compounds can be a place of such discouraging despair, and yet the joyous smiles of the children with whom I interact leave my heart stirred in the most encouraging way.

So many Zambians seem to struggle with basic problem solving, yet everyday I see the most ingenuitive and innovative solutions to situations here that would leave me stumped.

My job is really hard and really amazing.  On most days it leaves me beaten down and pumped up at the same time.

Working with and living with the same people can be really awesome, and really not awesome at times. 

Driving on busy Zambian roads amidst unpredictable minibuses and pedestrians is both exciting and terrifying.

Running hills at high altitudes can be devastating and well, kind of good.. 

You get what I’m saying.

And I’m having a hard time processing this.

People ask how I’m doing, like really doing, and I never know how to answer – I’m good and bad?  Things are awesome and things suck?  

I don’t ever leave many feelings floating in the air; I tend to come down hard on one side or the other.  On so much here though, I can’t seem to do that.  And son of a gun, I hate it.

But the more mornings I sit with Him, spilling out my frustrations with this and asking for help, the more I’m starting to think this is where He wants me, growing in a furthering acceptance of the idea of both.

Because there is a dichotomous nature of living out our faith on this side of glory.  We are often called to the limits of discomfort and brokenness to truly find joy. 

We are to actively pursue further revelation of our personal weakness and inability, to realize and access strength and ability in Him.

We are supposed to grow in independence from this world, yet dependence on Him.

There is joy in the struggle.  The impossible is made possible.

If I think too much about all of the above it makes my head hurt, and I think right now, it makes my heart a little/a lot too.  But there is victory in that hurt.  It’s evidence of my hard heart being broken, and those cracks, that’s the space where the Spirit enters in.   And that’s something I know I want/need.

Some of you follow the instagram account a couple friends and I do called @happyisdoubledouble.  The original idea was that the four of us were going to challenge ourselves to document something that made us happy every day here (unlike my blog, this is actually something to which I post everyday). The name came from a worship song called “Everything is Double Double,” about how in the Lord, there is joy abundant, and being four of us, it seemed, you know, cute and clever.

And while it’s been pretty great, as the first couple months have passed, to me, it’s starting to take on a little different of a meaning. 

Because alas, most things seem to be “double double.”  Yes, the awareness of his presence and grace make the good twice as good, but so little in life right now seems one-dimensional.   There is sharp pain and intense gladness in every day, sometimes in the moment to moment.

And right now, I’m learning to be thankful for that.